Xmas and New Year’s are on respective Thursdays. Wacky.
It does seem that in recent years the War on Xmas has wound down. As a dedicated soldier fighting against Xmas in all its forms, let me wish you a Happy Holidays, Season’s Greetings, and a hearty Solstice Salaam.
The most important front in the War on Xmas is, of course, music. The oppressive Xmas hegemony controls most public spaces and assaults us with endless aural evil of which we will not speak in detail lest we invoke insidious earworms! However, the revolutionary anti-Xmas cadres do, on occasion, produce effective musical blows against the saccharine onslaught! Here are a few of the more stirring.
The Waitresses: Xmas Wrapping
While covered to detriment (we’re hating on you Spice Girls and Glee, for two), the original is still wonderful in spite of the happy ending.
The ultimate Xmas shaggy dog story. For some reason the following two lines:
“A&P” has its provided me
With the world’s smallest turkey
make me really happy. I think it’s the combination of nostalgia for the “A&P” (I’ve not been in one in decades…do they still exist?) and the turkey. The poor poor inadequate yet appropriate turkey.
The Kinks: Father Xmas
Would any War on Xmas be complete without The Kinks delicately singing:
Father Christmas, give us some money
Don’t mess around with those silly toys
We’ll beat you up if you don’t hand it over
We want your bread so don’t make us annoyed
Give all the toys to the little rich boys
I think not!
(I’d prefer a flame thrower to a machine gun, of course.)
The Twelve Days after Xmas
This is also a favorite but there really is no worthwhile video. (OMG, it’s easy to do such a horrible performance of it that it almost becomes a Pro-Xmas song, even with all the bird carnage. “Enjoy” this one, if you dare.)
Of course, quality War on Xmas songs are rare. It’s not enough to be a parody or crabby Xmas song. We aim for quality! Here are some negative examples:
The Killers: Don’t Shoot Me Santa
Go ahead and shoot, Santa. Then eat a bullet.
After listening to this song and watching bits of the so-called video, I feel a Santanic murder-suicide is totally appropriate.
The Ramones: Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want To Fight Tonight)
Ok, I didn’t want someone to die listening to this, but it’s just sorta blandly catchy with a really boring set of lyrics.